We are bombarded with messages, bombarded by people who want to tell us something: advertisers telling us what we should desire and buy, parents or friends telling us how to get our acts together, employers expressing expectations and issuing orders, social media “pings,” teachers and/or preachers pouring “content” into our heads, not to mention all our “inner voices” that constantly correct and question us, signals form our hormones, unexpressed emotions: we get told a whole bunch, every single day!

It’s not all bad.  I’m sure you can think of times when someone told you something, and you are grateful that they did.

But so many of us are desperate, not to be told something, but to be asked, and to be truly and deeply listened to.  Thoughtful, open-ended questions (i.e., not simply Yes/No or one-word-answer questions) and attentive listening take time.  Particularly when we are offered a “really good question,” our initial responses may run along the lines of “Good question … I honestly don’t know what to think, or what I think … hmmm …”  And we often know/suspect that our first answer probably isn’t really yet getting at The Real Issue for Me Here.

Here’s how to tell a good coach: you’ll be doing most of the talking (or most of the just-sitting-there-thinking).  He or she will talk only about 20% (or less) of the time–and when your coach does talk, it will mainly be to ask a(nother) question.

And you will find yourself feeling listened to, really heard, maybe for the first time in a long time.  And you will likely hear yourself saying, in your own voice and for your own self, important things that you didn’t know were there for you to say.  That’s when significant personal breakthroughs becomes possible.